I find myself today completely out of sorts. I had mentioned in my last post about how something negative had happened over the weekend, and it has left me feeling off kilter and unsure of many things.
I’ll start off by saying that I do not make friends that easily. Aside from my overswhelming social awkwardness, I just don’t take to many people. Growing up, I can only remember one instance where I had someone over. That was because living with my mother, I was completely embarrassed by her alcohol abuse. When I lived with my father and stepmother… I never felt like there was anywhere to relax. The house was beautiful but rigid and unfriendly.
Needless to say, I spent much of my childhood rather isolated. I learned how to entertain myself quite well, but I never really connected with much of anyone. While other kids were outside playing, I was keeping my mom from passing out and watching a lot of movies. It made me feel like an outsider for most of my childhood. I used to be so resentful, too. Even others who had some problems… they still had friends, did normal things, had normal family outings. They seemed carefree and happy, and I was always worried and neurotic.
Let me just make this clear: I don’t mean this in a pity me kind of way because it is something with which I have made peace.
The hermit-like mentality was something that would come back to haunt me later in life. The reality is that while I am fairly well-adjusted, I missed out on some keep developmental lessons. While deep down I was loyal and loving to people, I did not always make the best of friends. I would go through social periods followed by periods where people would not hear from me for months. I would not answer emails or phone calls. Even if someone was my friend, if their number came up on my cell phone, I would not answer. I would literally freeze, crippled by anxiety.
This is the first time I’ve ever admitted any of this, heh. It seems more ridiculous typed out.
I have had a couple of amazing friends who have forgiven me many times for my shortcomings. The missed phone calls. The stretches of time where I drop off the face of the planet. The fact that I sometimes say completely dumb things. Thankfully over the past couple of years, I’ve made some serious strides in overcoming these bad habits; definitely thanks in part to people who showed me that they actually liked me and enjoyed my company.
Of course it’s not all roses and daisies now. I still say awkward things at awkward moments. I still feel that fearful need to be a hermit. I still have problems connecting sometimes.
Then on Saturday night, while we were out for Heidi’s bachelorette party, I received a blog comment notification. Of course I made the mistake of looking, and I was devestated.
Dumped by friend via blog comment. Not only that, it was the second time someone said to me that there was “no room” for them in my “new life”. That phrase exactly. My sentiments for her wedding seemed insincere to her, which was a slap in the face, as they weren’t. At all. She said that she was upset but understood why she wasn’t invited to my wedding, which was funny because she was invited, and the invitations have simply not gone out yet. She thought I didn’t care.
Now I have no doubt that there are things I could have done differently. When you move away from an area, it’s so easy to say “Keep in touch!” or “I’ll call you every week!” So easily, however, there is a slight drifting between friends. You cannot keep up the way you used to. There are times I could have called. Times I could have emailed. I did do those things, but I could have done it more.
She thought that she was a second-tier friend long before I even left Boston. I left in 2006, and this is the first time I had ever heard of any of these grievances… in a blog comment.
I think that’s what gets me the most. As my friends can tell you, I can be a little dense. Well meaning, but dense. This was apparently something she was feeling back when I lived in the same city while I was dating my ex-boyfriend. Now it’s over three years later, and this is the first I’m hearing of any of this.
When I read it the first time while I was out on the town in Boston with Heidi & Co for the bachelorette. I was a little bit drunk, so I didn’t quite comprehend totally what I was reading. The following morning, in the harsh light of day, while on a train traveling through Connecticut with a fierce hangover, it was much clearer.
I wanted to smash my phone on the ground, I was so upset.
I don’t really know what to think about any of it. For the part about not fitting into my new life… it really angers me. I’ve heard that now twice, from two separate people. It really is bizarre because there seem to be two separate groups. There are those think I’m better than I was before, with a much more secure sense of self and better follow through. Then there are those who think quite the opposite of me. I’ve been accused of trying “too hard to be a DC Socialite with [my] wine tastings and book clubs.” The phrase “new life” seems so smarmy. As if I sold out like an indie band who claims indie street cred right before going mainstream with Clive Davis.
Second, since when have people stopped communicating in any sort of relationship, friendship or otherwise? People just let things fester and let the bitterness accumulate to the point where there is no chance of fixing anything. Granted I tend to operate at the other extreme; I hate leaving things unsaid. Maybe there are times where I shouldn’t ask the obvious question born out of paranoia, but it happens. Better in than out.
I just don’t understand what is happening right now. A good friend of mine said it seemed like I was shedding friendships from a time when I was a person I don’t even recognize; a girl who was scared and unsure about everything in her life, and even more neurotic than now. I did not have healthy friendships, nor did I have healthy relationships during that period in my life.
It still hurts. When a friend drops away, I feel I lose a little bit of my history. I lose a bit of my family.
Something to this effect has happened three times now in the past year. The first was a gross misjudgment of character and was a friendship that ended by my decision. The second was someone who I thought knew me and obviously didn’t. I also thought she was my best friend. She thought I was trying too hard to be a socialite and that what we wanted out of life had become to diametrically opposing. She also didn’t like one of my best friends and it was always a sore spot. Now this.
I try to tell myself that another friendship door closing makes room to meet another, but it still hurts. A lot.