I’ve had difficulty putting pen to paper recently, or more accurately, fingers to the keyboard. It’s not like I have a shortage of things to write about; my best friend got married after a fantastic whirlwind of fun last weekend… I bought my wedding dress… football season has started… my mother is actually improving not only physically, but mentally as well… Clover had an emergency trip to the vet last night.
It seems as though when you don’t write about one big thing that deserves merit (re: wedding, mom, doggie sickness), it’s so easy not to write about anything else. I mean really, how can I justifiably write about the ridiculous sign I saw on the metro bus that read “Yes! There is college-prep in middle school!” when I’m not giving time to more important things?
To go off on a brief tangent, there is one thing that occurred this past week at the office that I must share. This conversation took place as I was borrowing someone’s stapler, as I was too lazy to refill my own.
Female Coworker: (wistfully) You smell like… my childhood.
Me: …your childhood smelled like Victoria’s Secret?
It was scary to see, however, that I have not written anything here in eleven days. It’s a stretch, even for me, as I’ve been blogging consistently for almost the past nine years.
I guess I’m feeling a bit at an impasse of sorts, or a fork in the road. I feel like up until this point, I’ve been dicking around, so to speak. I’ve been playing adult, but now I actually need to be one.
All the little emotional quirks that I used to try and pass off as adorable are getting old; I mean really, how many times can I upend conversations with friends so I’m talking about me, me, me without choking on my own narcissism? I would like to think of myself as a great friend, but honestly? I can be an absolutely atrocious listener. There are times when I think back on all the self-involved things I’ve said, and I cringe.
Then there’s the fact that my 27th birthday is a little less than 2 months away… and I work in Customer Service, otherwise known as The Road That Leads to Nowhere. I know my degree (even in its unfinished state) will be helping me soon enough, but being able to pay the bills is not cutting it for me entirely anymore; as in, just having a paycheck isn’t good enough. Though in this economy, do I really have a choice?
There are so many other things, as well. Getting married. Potential relocation. My health. My weight. Oh yea, and that retirement fund I should probably start contributing to again…
I think I find myself a blogging mute because there are so many unanswered questions; too many unanswered questions. I can’t even tell you with 100% certainty where we’ll be in less than two years, and I hate that. I hate dealing in what ifs and what might bes, and I hate writing about those things even more. I am more comfortable with things that are or definitively will be. I like decisions and progress. What ifs always smack of indecisiveness and wishy-washyness. Yes, there are many things that should be that aren’t. Yes, things could have gone differently, but they didn’t. That’s life.
Heh, I sound like my father.
I wish I could be one of those people, though. The kind that pontificate wistfully, gesticulating romantically with a glass of wine in their hand, about the way things could be. While my rigid and decisive nature has stood me in good stead over the years, it, at times, leads me to having to backpedal.
For example, a couple of months ago, I declared with confidence and determination that I, Elizabeth, was going to go to law school. Only as the weeks wore on, however, I realized that, even though I could absolutely do the work and be successful, I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my impending marriage over it.
I hate having to own up to that kind of thing. Like I’m a puppy caught peeing on the floor, and there I am, tail between my legs going, “Sorry… I’m not going to law school, and I didn’t mean to pee on the rug.”
I guess the only thing I’m absolutely sure about anymore is that I am going to move forward and embrace the things that are certain: Patrick and I are getting married, I’m finishing up my degree, we have two dogs, and I love wine. And in the interim, while internally I’ll thrash about like a bull in a china shop, fighting against the fact that there are quite a few HUGE unknowns in my life, I’m just going to have to get over myself.
So there’s where I stand. Life has been a whirlwind, and here is what I can tell you:
My best friend got married last weekend…
…and it was beautiful, amazing, and so much fun.
I bought my own wedding dress. On a whim. Off the rack. It’s not the one I posted, but it’s absolutely THE dress.
Football season has started, and the Redskins lost to the Giants right off the bat. Here’s hoping they beat the Rams this upcoming Sunday.
My mother is doing much better mentally and physically, which makes my heart absolutely sing.
And Clover had to go to the vet last night due to a “severe” UTI, which effectively crippled her. She’s doing much better now, and came home last night around 3:30am.
How are you?