Dearest Aaron Eckhart,
Oh, darling keeper of the butt chin that I hold dear, I have a request. One small tiny eensy weensy request. STOP WITH THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES. Please. I’m begging you. While I will never give up an opportunity to swoon over you, Romantic Comedies are like the Siberia of movies; there is no return, and there is no salvation. (Paging Matt McConaughey?) I know, I know… When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle made it look like a sure thing, but do not let those exceptions fool you!
I know you have good choices inside that gorgeous head of yours! Thank You for Smoking, Conversations with Other Women, and In the Company of Men are a testament to this fact. Look, I’ve seen you through The Core and Paycheck, but this is becoming unforgivable.
Wasn’t No Reservations bad enough?
Fine. You can “find yourself” and “find true love” with Jennifer Aniston this ONE time, but after that, you had better start making wise decisions about your future.
Otherwise we’re breaking up.
I’ll leave you for Eddie Cahill. I mean it this time.